


lost in forever

by manchestereyes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Reality, japhan 2.0
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26206099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manchestereyes/pseuds/manchestereyes
Summary: Phil makes a very special video for his and Dan's future child.Or, Safiya and Tyler's proposal video, but make it dnp.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 20
Kudos: 48





	lost in forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradisobound/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEXIS!!! I know it's super late now but I've been thinking and thinking about what I could write for your birthday when it hit me--I started a fic based on Safiya's "We're Getting Married" video all the way back in December 2018 when she posted it, and you were super excited about it then, and then I remembered how much you wanna go to Japan and my own theories about Japhan 2.0 and... I wrote 3k in 2 days and here we are lol. I hope today's been as wonderful and relaxing as you hoped and that 22 brings you everything you could dream of! I'm so glad we're friends and have stayed friends for 3 whole years (which feels like an eternity in internet friend time) and I can't wait until we can finally meet! :D <3

“Hey there, little one! So, I don’t know how little you’ll be when you finally see this but today--or, in a few days, technically--” Phil takes an extra deep breath, “I’m… hopefully gonna be getting engaged to your dad. I mean, it could all go up in flames but I’ve got a pretty good feeling about this. Have for a while, actually.”

That last sentence, unwritten on the little script resting atop his legs, comes out a bit softer than the rest. Phil blushes, glancing down at the long white table in front of him as he figures he can decide whether or not to keep that in later.

(But then again, this is one of their videos for their future child, getting pulled from the memory box only when they’re old enough to see it. And Phil promised long ago not to keep anything from them.

He’ll see, though. He’ll see.)

“Right now, me and Dan have been together”--it’s still so weird to say that on camera, despite how true it is-- “for ten years and a little over a month. I mean, the actual date is a point of contention, seeing as we refused to define it for a couple months but regardless, it’s an important date for us anyway.”

“And these ten years… they’ve been some pretty huge years for us. We’ve seen each other through major life changes, like Dan starting and dropping out of uni, we’ve started three whole YouTube channels together, seen the world together, came out to the world together, and worked on almost everything side by side ever since we’ve had the chance. We’ve even adopted, in my unbiased opinion, the absolute best betta fish in the world.” 

At this point, Phil can’t help his massive grin. It doesn’t matter, though, since this part is just gonna be a montage of some of their best moments together anyway.

“But here’s the thing--and I’m sure you’ll know this since I doubt much will change even when you come around--me and Dan spend pretty much all our time together. Even in the rare moments we leave the house, we’re always together. Which 99% of the time works fine, you know? But...not when you’re trying to hide something.” Phil giggles sheepishly, feet tapping against the smooth tile of his tiny filming corner.

“So anyway, I’m filming this bit while Dan’s at therapy since that’s the one thing I can’t exactly join in on. And I wouldn’t want to, since that’s Dan’s time, you know?” 

He flicks his eyes back down to the script. Phil knows what’s coming next, has rehearsed it over and over in his head and even pictured himself saying it with just the right amount of nonchalance. Because it really is no big deal. These are things he’s known for years. Yet the big black lens pointed down at him makes everything feel so _real._

Even the steady red light feels menacing, like it’s daring Phil to bare his soul for the world. He takes a deep breath and switches the camera off.

Alright. So Phil hasn’t said these words to anyone before, besides his family and closest friends. And it’s not like anyone besides Dan and their kid is ever gonna see this. 

Call it the curse of being a YouTuber, but Phil can’t look at a camera now without overthinking the ramifications of his words going out to the entire world. Yet there’s something equally terrifying about these words going out to the two most important people in his life--even if one is a long way yet from becoming a person.

Yes, every time he’s turned the camera on since the 30th of June has been the most freeing experience of his life. Even more so than confirming the tickets for this impending trip, than his and Dan’s extensive Google odysseys in preparation for it. Still, it’s hard to loosen a lock that’s been clamped on his brain for the last ten years.

But then a sea of black and colored paper and glitter and bright lights floats into his mind the way such memories do when you need them most. Pride threatens to squeeze his heart in two as he remembers how tall Dan stood, how much he slept the entire week after filming, knowing how much it took for him to say those words. How Phil had held his hand the entire time it uploaded and for the first few minutes after before pulling him into a tearful embrace.

Isn’t it Phil’s time now to speak his truth?

A siren screams in the near distance, jolting Phil back to reality. It’s odd how easily he could tune them out when they were such a common occurrence. Yet now on these quiet streets, he notices every single one of them.

He smooths the notebook pages beneath his fingers for just a second before ultimately deciding to speak from the heart. He turns the camera back on.

“I’ve always found it easier to talk to people online than in real life. And considering the age you’re growing up in, I imagine you’ll be the same way. Even online, though, forming connections is hard. I mean, you can only say so much as a twelve-year-old pretending to be a cool snowboarder. Please don’t ever do that, by the way--I promise people will like you for whoever you end up being.

“Dan was different, though. Always has been. From the start, he was easier to talk to than anyone else I’d met. I didn’t feel the need to hide as much from him as I did with most of my friends. We just got each other. And once we finally met, it clicked. And it’s only grown stronger ever since.

“So, yeah. I guess you could say I’ve known all along that Dan’s the only person I ever wanna spend my time with. But things were so much harder and scarier then, and we were so _young._ Especially Dan. Back then, it wasn’t nearly as easy, or as accepted, to be gay. Dan was bullied throughout his school years, and while it wasn’t quite as bad for me, I got my share of names thrown at me too. We both knew what it felt like to be terrified of who you are, which is one of the reasons we clicked so well. But now, we’re a lot less young. And everything’s finally feeling secure, so I feel like it’s a pretty good time? Plus, I dunno...I just really wanna marry him.”

Phil has to bite his lip to keep the massive grin from taking over his face. He fails, but allows himself to bask in the glory of it for a moment.

“I’ll admit, I am a little nervous, especially with it being in a semi-public place and all, but it’s not like I’m organizing a flash mob or anything like that, so I think I’m safe. But as for how and _where_ I’m proposing, we’ll get to that in a second. Because before all that, I’m gonna need a ring.”

At this point, Phil lets himself relax. This part of the video is just going to be a montage of him scrolling through various online jewelry stores and clips of Dan, so all he has to do is keep his voice steady as he reads through his notes.

“Now, Dan pretty much exclusively wears black, and no matter how many times I remind him how good he looks in color, I doubt that’s going to change by the time you see this. I know, this is the man I’m marrying, but I still wouldn’t change his bleakness for the world. With that in mind, though, I figured the only ring I could possibly get him...was a black one.” 

He proceeds to explain his search and the ring itself, wiggling with pride the whole time. “It took _months_ , so long that I really considered calling the whole thing off. But on the tenth anniversary of the day we met--I swear it was fate and I won’t let Dan tell me any different--I found it. It finally came the other day while we were watching some anime with lunch and I had to pretend it was something I’d ordered from Firebox for my filming corner. Dan totally didn’t buy it, knowing where we’re going in a couple days, but we do order a lot from Firebox. I’ve had to hide it behind these balls here--” Phil giggles as he gestures towards the multicolored wire balls to his right as he pulls out a small postal box--”but I think it’s about time I opened it, if just to check they didn’t send the wrong ring, you know?”

It’s a dumb joke, but Phil’s hands shake just the same as he takes the red scissors from the table in front of him and drags them across the thick packing tape and even thicker cardboard. His heart in his throat, he pulls out an embroidered black silk bag, pushing the box and scissors aside for the moment of truth. As if a friendly fairy had settled on his shoulders, a calmness flutters over him once he pulls the drawstring. And there, in that tiny black velvet box that drowns in Phil’s hands--

“Yep. Oh my god, it’s even more perfect in real life.” He allows his face to melt into what he’s sure is the goofiest grin for a few seconds before he holds the ring up to the camera and explains what he likes the most about it, and what he’s sure Dan will love too.

“So anyway,” Phil replaces the ring and snaps the box shut, a tiny thrill running through him and a giggle rushing out before he can stop either. “Now that we know what I’m doing this with, we can move on to the how.”

“You may remember I said this isn’t actually happening today. Thanks to us both being massive introverts, pretty much all our time is spent in this flat, which means this is the only time I can film this. That along with my complete inability to lie to Dan about anything means that, well… we’re gonna have to go all the way to Japan for this to work.” Phil pauses for dramatic effect, then adds, “Ok no really, I’m sure I could pull it off just as well here too. But bear with me here.

“Japan is someplace that’s really special to us. By the time you see this, I’m sure you’ll be well versed in our love of Japanese culture, especially the animes, video games, and Pokémon—and I won’t be surprised if you’ve developed a love for those as well.” At this, Phil has to do his very best job at biting back a cheek-hurting grin. “This nerdiness was one of the things that brought us together, actually, when we first started talking. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the conversation we had after I posted my Space Adventure videos way back when—you’ll know what I’m talking about by this point in your life, I’m sure. I didn’t get a second of sleep that night but it didn’t matter. I’d actually found someone who shared my love of Final Fantasy and Muse, and was maybe even bigger of a fan than I was. And to think that was only the beginning. 

“But back to the topic at hand. We talked about going there for years before I impulse bought plane tickets in 2015 and we had a week to officially plan a holiday we’d been mentally planning since 2009. To this day we both agree it was the best holiday we’ve ever had—and our viewers clearly picked up on that, as a lot of them thought one of us had proposed then. And I mean, they were close! Just about four and a half years off. Anyway, there hasn’t been a day since then where we haven’t wanted to go back. And we’ve both agreed that it’s finally time to slow down, start to settle this year, but most importantly… we just knew we had to go back for our tenth anniversary.” 

A shiver runs through him at those words and Phil’s brain floats away from his script for a moment. “God, even just saying that is kinda surreal. I mean, we knew we were it for each other from the beginning, of course, but ten years just feels like a whole other level. But who knows, you could be watching this once it’s been twenty years, or maybe even twenty five. We don’t know, and isn’t that so wild? But seriously, we’ve had this holiday planned for months and I’ve had the proposal planned for even longer. 

“So,” Phil claps his hands together, tingles running all through his body at his favorite part of the story, “pretty views, and especially ferris wheels, have been a big thing for us from the beginning. There was the Manchester Skybar, where we had many of our first dates—“ he pauses to let the memories of shaky hands and glorious champagne wash over him— “and there was the Manchester Eye, where we had our first kiss.” 

As with everything regarding him and Dan since the 13th of June, speaking those words out loud for the first time ever fills him with a power so infectious he wants to share it with everyone who crosses his path. It’s amazing how much easier things have gotten since Phil let go of his own mental reins.

“Now, Japan has a lot of ferris wheels, but one in particular stood out to me. It’s called the Redhorse Osaka Wheel, aptly named for it being in Osaka of course but more importantly, it’s supposed to have some of the best views of Japan and it freaking _lights up_ at night in all different colors. It’s a gay ferris wheel! Plus it’s got a VIP option, so there really was no question. The real question is, how am I gonna get it on film if I still want it to be a surprise? 

“And because of the nature of this proposal, you won’t actually be able to hear us—but I’ll edit in some subtitles since I’m sure neither I nor Dan will ever forget what we said there. Luckily, though, our friends Duncan and Mimei live in Japan and they’re both YouTubers, meaning that they have a wide zoom lens and a good camera, so I don’t have to worry Dan about packing ours. It is a long way from their home in Tokyo, but because they’re both so amazing, they agreed to take a train down the day before us so they can hide near the wheel when it’s time! Dan already knows this since we’ve planned this trip together but basically, we’ll be taking a train in that morning—bonus points since we both absolutely adore long train rides and I’m sure Dan will be thinking back to our early days—and spend the day exploring and visiting a few places, then just after sunset, tour guide Phil will lead Dan to the wheel, just like the day we met, and it’ll be showtime.

“So, the next time you see us, we’ll be in Japan and on our way to getting engaged! And on that note, I _really_ need to get back to packing.” Phil aims his best nervous smile at the camera (which isn’t too hard, really, since his nerves are bouncing off the walls as if it’s the big day already), switches it off, and sighs. Another thrill rushes through him and it’s all Phil can do to keep from dancing around his tiny filming corner with glee.

 _Next stop: Japan_ echoes through his head for the rest of the day.

* * *

‘Shit, Phil,” Dan giggles two weeks later, “first a Final Fantasy cafe, then a long train ride, and a walk through the most beautiful Japanese garden? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to woo me. Is there perhaps a Skybar or a Starbucks in our future?” He nudges Phil with a black-striped elbow, allowing it to linger in the twilight.

Phil just hums. Somewhere in the last minute, his legs have turned so much to jelly that Dan is the only thing holding him up right now. He forces his feet forward, though, weaving through Japanese residents and tourists alike, all enjoying the mild late November breeze. The little black box burns a hole in the jacket he’s glad he insisted on bringing, despite the beautiful afternoon. He lifts his gaze to Dan’s face, forcing his whirring mind to focus only on the joy radiating from Dan’s every pore as the two of them edge forward, and then--

Dan’s eyebrows practically fly off his face in shock. The little smacks he gives Phil’s arm help Phil’s consciousness float back down to somewhere in the very limited space between the two of them. “Phil, you _fucker_ ! You did not, you’re not about to--oh my _god_ , Phil!!”

Call it true love or infatuation or whatever, but somehow, Dan’s screech that sends hungry pigeons scattering only serves to set off a funny little fizzing in Phil’s chest. “Yes,” Phil laughs, turning to lock his eyes and his hands with Dan’s, “it’s a gay ferris wheel, the tallest in Japan, and _yes_ , we’re going on it.” He lets go after just a couple seconds, though, because despite the gloriousness of this trip and everything it’s meant so far, there’s still way too many straight couples around. And, well… old instincts are hard to break. Dan knows this better than anyone.

Their spell still unbroken (because really, it’s Japan, how can anything be less than perfect here?), the two of them join the already long line and take this time to upload their Instagram stories from the Final Fantasy cafe. As is the case with them, Phil brings out a conversation thread from earlier in the day, or maybe earlier in their trip, and Dan picks it up with ease. Neither one of them stops smiling and Phil thinks that’s maybe because Dan knows what’s coming but he doesn’t mind. 

Besides, his intention was never to catch Dan completely off guard. Proposals and weddings are kind of a never ending topic with them, and Phil always says that if he could propose anywhere, it would be on a ferris wheel. And Dan has always said that if he could get engaged anywhere, it would be in Japan, thousands of kilometers away from anyone he knows, in the closest place to heaven known to man. Or maybe just them.

Plus, he knows as well as Phil why this holiday had to be now. Baby Dan and Phil were in so much pain then. They deserved this, on all those days and every day since then.

And then they’re at the front and Phil’s pulling out the VIP experience tickets he’d printed just before they left and tucked in his jacket pocket when they’d departed for breakfast and a beaming Japanese attendant is showing them to a pod lined with lazily blinking rainbow twinkle lights and…

Holy _shit_ , this is happening.

He lets Dan take the lead as the two slide into a white loveseat that feels like a cloud. All the walls, and even the ceiling and tiny floor, are made of glass and Phil’s well aware of the stomach-dropping terror that’s sure to hit in a matter of minutes. But it won’t be so bad this time, he thinks.

After all, he and Dan have already opened their souls to the world, and were met with nothing but love and jubilation. So he’ll be alright.

Then the ride starts so smoothly he doesn’t even notice until they’re at least twenty meters in the air, jumping a little at the lack of pavement under his toes and poking Dan when he cackles.

“You know, I don’t normally like the idea of going back to meet my former self since I know he’d just flat-out kill me,” Dan remarks after a few moments of cozy silence. “But god, I wish I could tell 2009 Dan about this moment. Or 2007 Dan, before he found you.” His eyes slide over to Phil, little crinkles forming at the edges as his lips melt into a smile softer than the loveseat they’re sat on.

All of Japan may be stretched out in front of them, steel forests full of dancing lights, but Phil couldn’t tear his eyes from the tender face beside him if he tried. 

“Isn’t it wild how everything’s played out since then, though?” Phil’s voice is barely more than a whisper, his heart in his throat as they climb up, up, up. Yet as quick as his anxiety was to come, it drifted away as his next words wrap him up in a blanket of calm. “I could have never noticed your Twitter icon, or our channels could have never gone anywhere. Neither of us could have made the first move on the Manchester Eye, and things could have fizzled out right there. But you did, and we were golden and fire and magic. And now we’re legends in our own right, don’t you think?”

“Fuck. We really are, aren’t we?”

Phil wants to snatch that smile up and stick it in a jar for either of them to look back on on their bad days and remember this moment. Somewhere in the back of his mind, it registers that their pod has paused again, and they’re pretty close to the top. Or maybe they are there already. And as the safety of the skyscrapers lies before them, he knows. This is their moment.

“Hey, Dan?” Phil’s heart is back in his throat, just as it was in Manchester, but the electricity of that moment is replaced now with a quiet determination as he grabs Dan’s cold hands in his. “You know how we always talk about Team Dan and Phil, Dan and Phil vs. the world,” his entire face crinkles up at his next few words, “companions through life and all that?”

Dan shakes his head, but his eyes are brighter than the entire Osaka skyline. “Yes, you living sap.”

“Hey, you are _not_ going to ruin my moment! I know things haven’t always been easy for us, and that’s the understatement of the century, but I think we can both agree that the future is bright. And,” at this he slides his hands from Dan’s and drops onto one knee on the glass floor, pulling the tiny black box from deep within his jacket, “would you like to make that future even brighter, for both of us? Will you marry me?”

He can’t see anything but Dan’s eyes, as his shaking hands are covering the rest of his face, but the shimmer there is answer enough. The whip-fast, teary nod is just a bonus. “Oh my god, are you kidding--fuck, of _course_!” And then he tackles Phil, who for his part could have suffered a grave injury were it not for the second equally plush loveseat across from them.

Dan kisses Phil for the first time out in the open in Japan and Phil could die right there in this cozy little ferris wheel pod. But then cheers and shouts of “Congratulations!” (and what Phil assumes, from hours and hours of anime, is the Japanese word for “Congratulations”) fill the air directly in front and behind them and they both blush cherry blossom pink. But they’re wearing twin smiles too.

Somehow amidst the happy commotion, Phil’s managed to hold onto the ring the whole time and he slips it on Dan’s finger once they’ve called back their thanks and are sat on the bench again. He thinks he babbles a little bit about why he chose it and why it just screamed _Dan_ to him, but neither of them are listening. The whole ride down, Phil’s heart threatens to break free from his chest and dance through the crowd, but he just keeps a hold on it.

And as they step off to an ambush by Duncan and Mimei, and Phil eventually explains his video plans, it hits him all at once, making Phil step back for a moment to take in the rainbow-lighted ferris wheel across from them, the chatter of Japanese natives and tourists alike, the sugary taste of Dan’s lips still lingering on Phil’s.

No matter who they are, their kid will be fine. Because they’ll have the two strongest dads Phil knows.

And future Dan and Phil? Yeah, they’ll be just fine too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on Tumblr [@phloridas](https://phloridas.tumblr.com) (soon to be @asforthesoundtrack) and Twitter [@manchester_eyes](https://twitter.com/manchester_eyes)! I hope you're having a lovely day/night wherever you are!
> 
> [Reblog](https://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/627932161113227264/lost-in-forever-summary-phil-makes-a-very-special) / [Retweet](https://twitter.com/manchester_eyes/status/1300270361494380546?s=20)


End file.
